Archive | July, 2012

My Light

24 Jul

July 23rd my baby girl, Lux Finley Larsen, was born at 1:27am at 7lbs13oz and 20 1/4 inch long.

I can’t even begin to explain the love and warmth I feel from just even looking at her. I don’t know what I did to get so lucky to have such a beautiful, perfect little girl but I am beyond blessed.

I know it sounds so cliche, but I never thought in a million years I could ever feel this way towards something. I never thought I was capable of a mother’s love. The nurses, Russell, friends and family have told me to try and rest as much as possible but I can’t stop looking at her. Just watching her breathe, sleep, hiccup… Live and thrive is just amazing. I can’t believe I helped create this perfect being.

And watching Russell with her is another favorite of mine. We have this little system set up that after I feed her he gets to swaddle her up again and he puts her on his chest and burps/pats her back. She just loves him. Every time I try to burp her she just gets fussy and weird but when it’s them two together it’s just something I can’t touch. I love them together. I knew they were going to be best friends for life.

I will of course update more. I want to extend a warm thank you to all of my friends and family who have sent their love to us. We have some amazing people in our life and we appreciate all the congratulations, love, hugs, flowers, meals, and whatever else to have to throw our way. We are are blessed on many levels.

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On Becoming a Mother

14 Jul

As my first post stated, I never dreamt about becoming a mother. It was just something that wasn’t in my plans. I wanted to finish school, go on to grad school, travel… do something with myself. I felt those things became unattainable once I found out I was pregnant. After having a conversation with a graduate student at a cafe a few months back, he told me that it was better for me to wait to do graduate school anyways. That, yes, he missed out on some things with his own family and daughter, but that it didn’t enable him to accomplish his own dreams and desires.

I have to admit I’m still a tiny bit scared and worried that I’ll be able to be a good mother. I’m not the most maternal person. I’ve had loads of practice with nephews, nieces, babysitting, and being a nanny. But I always got to return those kids to their parents. How do I know I’ll be good at the job 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year? I know that with my partner, Russell, and my family and friends it is attainable. I can be a good mother because I have the support system I have.

I’m sad to say that I have been feeling very miserable and depressed the last few weeks. I know I can chalk these feelings up to hormones, mostly. I’m not sure why I’m crying every day, but I just feel so sad. I think the unknown is what’s really bothering me. I’m also anxious to meet my baby girl. I’m also feeling guilty about some things, as well. Having some not so happy thoughts makes me feel guilty. Everyone asks me if I’m excited. Everyone tells me, “this should be the most exciting time of your life,” and yes, it’s an exciting journey. But I deal with things differently. And I have a lot of anxiety already… so adding something as crazy life changing as a baby is almost killer on my mental state.

I hope that I’m not alone in feeling this way. To an extent, I know I am. My friends and my boyfriend don’t get or quite understand why I feel the way I do. How could they? I’m not even sure my mother fully understands. She says she does, but she just doesn’t seem to think I should be feeling this bad.

I’m a first time mom…. give me an effing break.

With all this being said, I am so looking forward to the day I can hold my baby in my arms. I’ve been preparing myself for when we look into each other’s eyes for the first time and I know that’ll be it.  I’m sure everything will fall into place, and I’ll feel a lot better once I’m not pregnant anymore.

37 Weeks and the Fourth of July

7 Jul

Well, it’s official. I have made it to full term. I can safely go into labor at any moment! I turned 37 weeks on the Fourth. Russell and I had no real plans that day but it turned out to be a nice day.
We walked to our regular coffee shop where I ordered my favorite green tea tropical. We then walked home and went to Target to return/exchange some home storage stuff. His best friend and wife, who are also expecting a baby girl in October, phoned us and we met up for some early dinner. Except Russell and I didn’t eat much because we were invited to my parents for a BBQ. It was just nice to visit with them and talk about getting ready for the babies and such. They just got a new place and are settling it. We scurried to my parents for some BBQ steak and baked potatoes!

I got to say, steak, baked potatoes, and greens of some sort are one of my favorite meals. Don’t tell my mom and step dad this, but it reminds me of my dad’s home cooked meals. The man runs king of the BBQ and other BbQ never tastes quite the same! It was still nice to visit all the same and any meal that’s cooked for me I’m always grateful for! I then convinced Russell to take my parents dog, Hannah, for a walk. Hannah loves Russell. We like to joke and say Russell is her boyfriend. He’s pretty much the only one who takes her on walks so she loves him dearly for the attention!

Overall, it was a relaxing, uneventful Fourth.

It is my grandparents 59th Wedding Anniversary. Crazy! 59 years with the same person! God help them! 😉