just some words.

13 Apr

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I’ve begun to notice how painfully tired I am every single morning when the baby wakes up. How I’m pretty snippy, and grouchy when I’m getting out of bed. Whining, wishing I could just sleep an extra ten minutes, half hour, two hours. But then I get up, and head downstairs with my girl and the day begins. I usually grab a soda, coffee, or tea to wake me up. Why am I complaining? She never wakes up before 7:30 am, and averages 8 am every morning. I have friends who baby’s wake up at 6. 

As the day passes, I get little breaks here and there when she goes down for naps. I really enjoy these times to myself. Sometimes I nap, catch up on my favorite TV showed with I DVR’d the night before, or do the dishes or start the laundry. I selfishly think, why can’t she take a three hour nap? So I can take a real nap. But, I am always grateful for any nap she gives me. 

 

Then, night falls. And all I can think about is how much I miss her. I constantly tell Russell, “I miss the baby, I want to wake her up.”  I go in and check on her a few times a night, and at least once, every single night; I go in and pick her up. She’s still asleep, and she rests her head on my shoulder. I rub her back, and tell her how much I love her. I kiss her, put her pacifier back in her mouth, and put her back down.. and then I go into my room, and watch whatever HBO program I’m watching at the moment on my laptop. Missing her, still. 

I was telling my mother the other day over a text that, I love her so much it hurts. And it does. There are a lot of things about my independence (aka pre baby life) that I miss desperately. But then, when I’m holding her close, her head resting on my shoulder, I can’t even remember what it was like without her. And I don’t want to. Sure, I have fond memories of what my life use to be like. And I miss it every day, in one way or another. But, my life has so much more purpose now than it ever had before. 

When life gets really tough, and I feel like I have nothing left, I just look at her. And I remember that life really isn’t so bad, after all. I have this beautiful, smart, funny, and adventurous daughter who has made me whole. 

There is no greater love than a mother’s love for her children. I know that now. It’s all I will ever know now. 

 

 

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