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On Becoming a Mother

14 Jul

As my first post stated, I never dreamt about becoming a mother. It was just something that wasn’t in my plans. I wanted to finish school, go on to grad school, travel… do something with myself. I felt those things became unattainable once I found out I was pregnant. After having a conversation with a graduate student at a cafe a few months back, he told me that it was better for me to wait to do graduate school anyways. That, yes, he missed out on some things with his own family and daughter, but that it didn’t enable him to accomplish his own dreams and desires.

I have to admit I’m still a tiny bit scared and worried that I’ll be able to be a good mother. I’m not the most maternal person. I’ve had loads of practice with nephews, nieces, babysitting, and being a nanny. But I always got to return those kids to their parents. How do I know I’ll be good at the job 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year? I know that with my partner, Russell, and my family and friends it is attainable. I can be a good mother because I have the support system I have.

I’m sad to say that I have been feeling very miserable and depressed the last few weeks. I know I can chalk these feelings up to hormones, mostly. I’m not sure why I’m crying every day, but I just feel so sad. I think the unknown is what’s really bothering me. I’m also anxious to meet my baby girl. I’m also feeling guilty about some things, as well. Having some not so happy thoughts makes me feel guilty. Everyone asks me if I’m excited. Everyone tells me, “this should be the most exciting time of your life,” and yes, it’s an exciting journey. But I deal with things differently. And I have a lot of anxiety already… so adding something as crazy life changing as a baby is almost killer on my mental state.

I hope that I’m not alone in feeling this way. To an extent, I know I am. My friends and my boyfriend don’t get or quite understand why I feel the way I do. How could they? I’m not even sure my mother fully understands. She says she does, but she just doesn’t seem to think I should be feeling this bad.

I’m a first time mom…. give me an effing break.

With all this being said, I am so looking forward to the day I can hold my baby in my arms. I’ve been preparing myself for when we look into each other’s eyes for the first time and I know that’ll be it.  I’m sure everything will fall into place, and I’ll feel a lot better once I’m not pregnant anymore.

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