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my mama.

19 Sep
My family: Mom, my sister, Trisha, and my brother Leighton (we call him Rudy) at his law school graduation at UNLV. A proud moment for my mama, and all of us really! 
*Lux is also in this picutre =) I’m 29 weeks pregnant here. And it just so happens, this was also my 25th birthday.

My mother had I have always had our ups and downs. Probably more downs while I was growing up than ups. She’s definitely the alpha of the family. We’ve been at each other’s throats, and we’ve probably wanted to kill each other. The woman makes me crazy. However, she’s always supported me in whatever I wanted to do. She’s made mistakes, like all mothers do. And I never saw it before, until I had a daughter of my own, but this woman is the  strongest woman I’ve ever known. She’s difficult, at times, yes. But she’s been through hell and back, had things happen to her that many people could never bounce back from but still wakes up every day and does what she needs to do.

Today, I woke up not feeling my best. I called her and told her that I wasn’t feeling well and she offered to take the baby so I could rest. I felt bad, because I know tomorrow, she’s going to be taking me to the hospital and taking care of the baby when I have my endoscopic ultrasound tomorrow. She said no problem, I’ll help out again tomorrow. It feels pretty stinky to not be in the best health, and need extra help when needed.

Since having my baby, she has made me and Russell home cooked meals, done laundry for us, taken me to urgent care when i was sick, watched the baby when I’ve gone to my doctor appointments, or watched her on Russell and I’s anniversary, filled my gas tank… just because.

I am so fortunate, so lucky, so blessed to have a mother who is willing to be there for her family. Family will always come first to this woman. That is something that before, I never was interested in my family… but she has taught me to realize that there are very few things in life more important than family.

Thank you, mama. Thank you for all that you do for my family, and the rest of our family. You do so much for us all. I love you so much. Lux has the best grandmother in the world.



1 Sep

I went to the doctors again on Thursday to check-in following my little episode on monday. Nothing much to really report on… just more blood tests to be taken next week, and a GI referral. Same as usual…

I have been really struggling with feedings lately. Because I’m still on pain medication, and not feeling very well in general, I don’t feel right about breastfeeding. So we’ve been on formula, and the occasional BF sesh in the mornings before I take anything, or late in the evening. But when I do nurse her, she doesn’t latch as well anymore… she’s become lazy. And because of all this my supply has diminished. I am trying to pump and dump, too… but it doesn’t look promising.

I am really having a hard time, emotionally, dealing with the fact that I may not be able to nurse for much longer. I had finally reached a point where it was established, and my baby was thriving. Seesh, even Snooki is nursing her baby… what does that say about me being a mother? It pains me to give her the formula, but deep down I know it’s the right thing to do.

I would kill to be healthy again. I can’t even remember what my life was like before I got sick and would have these random attacks. It puts a damper on my happiness, and makes it really difficult for me to get a lot of things done as a new mother. I just think, if this never happened to me, I’d never had Russell give her the formula when I was stuck to an IV in a gurney. But…this is my life, and I have to deal with these things, and make the best decisions for me and my family.

I really need to make it a priority to take better care of myself. I must, I must!

*Not that anyone ever comments on my posts, but I disabled comments. I am really sensitive about this topic of nursing. Trust me, I know that I should keep breastfeeding. I know it’s the best possible thing for my baby. I wish I could have kept up exclusively breastfeeding. 

Doctor’s Appointments All Around…

28 Aug

Today has been rough for all of us over here. I woke up around 5am with excruciating pain which I thought was my pancreas. Many of you know about my gallbladder surgery that resulted in a hospitalization due to pancreatitis when I was 21 a few years back. It isn’t uncommon for me to get flare ups every now and then which result in an ER or Urgent Care visit. I was able to fall back asleep after a few of those attacks, and woke up to feed the baby around 9am again. This time I was having a constant pain. Unfortunately, Lux also had a doctor appointment today, and my sister was suppose to come visit afterwards. I told my mom that I had been experiencing these pains and that they had yet to subside so she offered to take me to Urgent Care while Russell took the baby to her doctor appointment.

Lux’s appointment went wonderfully. She is up to 9 lbs. now! She is in the 50th percentile in all her growth. The doctor was very pleased with her weight gain and growth. I am so proud of her and myself.. because as I talked about here, we were having some minor set backs in the feeding/weight gain department, and I have been struggling with the idea of continuing breast feeding. I’m glad I was able to stick with it, and sure enough, she is getting what she needs to thrive.

My doctor visit at Urgent Care wasn’t filled with good news like baby girl’s was. It turns out my pancreas is doing just fine, but my liver is not. After some blood work was taken they found that my liver enzymes were up to about a 500 count. Normal is 10-30. So you can understand their worry—and mine. They gave me an ultrasound to check out my abdominal region to make sure there were no stones or obstructions causing my liver to become inflamed. Everything looked okay there. So after almost 8 hours of being there… two IV bags, and two shots of demerol in the butt… they sent me home and told me to follow up with a doctor in the next few days. I’m still having bouts of pain, and I’ve decided if I get one more attack like I did this morning, I’m going to the ER. AKA: my second home.

Unfortunately, because I was away from the baby all day we have been forced to feed her formula all day. Also, because I am on some pretty strong pain meds I don’t want to pass that to her. I am a total mess about it. I missed her so much while I was there… and all I kept thinking about is how shitty this situation is. How am I suppose to take care of my baby if I’m sick like this? After all this hard work breastfeeding, it’s just going to fly out the window.

On top of all this, I’m still feeling pretty terrible. I am absolutely exhausted and in pain. But I’m still breathing, and my baby is sleeping in her swing, and I’m watching her as I write this. Trying to stay positive about it all… even though the subject isn’t so on the positive side.

I’m going to cap off this day by finishing off my chicken broth and The Newsroom.