Archive | motherhood RSS feed for this section

Ordinary moments in our ordinary lives

2 Dec

I’ve been slacking lately when it’s come to updating the blog.

The holidays are always so crazy for everyone and I have been incredibly exhausted lately.

So, with all that aside, this is what has been going on lately in our house:

-4 month shots, and yet, look at those precious smiles she gives
-I came home today from running some errands to find Russell wrapping our stair case with lights (I plan on keeping them up all year… I’m in love with them)
-I dyed my hair, dark, obviously.
-my baby held her own bottle for a few minutes.

Gosh, she’s getting so big! We started her on a little rice cereal this month. I’m not in a major rush to get her on solids but her pediatrician said we could try it out. So far, so good.

Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving. I didn’t get any photos on my own camera but I have asked for copies of what was taken during the holiday! So we will see!

Advertisements

my mama.

19 Sep
My family: Mom, my sister, Trisha, and my brother Leighton (we call him Rudy) at his law school graduation at UNLV. A proud moment for my mama, and all of us really! 
*Lux is also in this picutre =) I’m 29 weeks pregnant here. And it just so happens, this was also my 25th birthday.

My mother had I have always had our ups and downs. Probably more downs while I was growing up than ups. She’s definitely the alpha of the family. We’ve been at each other’s throats, and we’ve probably wanted to kill each other. The woman makes me crazy. However, she’s always supported me in whatever I wanted to do. She’s made mistakes, like all mothers do. And I never saw it before, until I had a daughter of my own, but this woman is the  strongest woman I’ve ever known. She’s difficult, at times, yes. But she’s been through hell and back, had things happen to her that many people could never bounce back from but still wakes up every day and does what she needs to do.

Today, I woke up not feeling my best. I called her and told her that I wasn’t feeling well and she offered to take the baby so I could rest. I felt bad, because I know tomorrow, she’s going to be taking me to the hospital and taking care of the baby when I have my endoscopic ultrasound tomorrow. She said no problem, I’ll help out again tomorrow. It feels pretty stinky to not be in the best health, and need extra help when needed.

Since having my baby, she has made me and Russell home cooked meals, done laundry for us, taken me to urgent care when i was sick, watched the baby when I’ve gone to my doctor appointments, or watched her on Russell and I’s anniversary, filled my gas tank… just because.

I am so fortunate, so lucky, so blessed to have a mother who is willing to be there for her family. Family will always come first to this woman. That is something that before, I never was interested in my family… but she has taught me to realize that there are very few things in life more important than family.

Thank you, mama. Thank you for all that you do for my family, and the rest of our family. You do so much for us all. I love you so much. Lux has the best grandmother in the world.

Update…

1 Sep

I went to the doctors again on Thursday to check-in following my little episode on monday. Nothing much to really report on… just more blood tests to be taken next week, and a GI referral. Same as usual…

I have been really struggling with feedings lately. Because I’m still on pain medication, and not feeling very well in general, I don’t feel right about breastfeeding. So we’ve been on formula, and the occasional BF sesh in the mornings before I take anything, or late in the evening. But when I do nurse her, she doesn’t latch as well anymore… she’s become lazy. And because of all this my supply has diminished. I am trying to pump and dump, too… but it doesn’t look promising.

I am really having a hard time, emotionally, dealing with the fact that I may not be able to nurse for much longer. I had finally reached a point where it was established, and my baby was thriving. Seesh, even Snooki is nursing her baby… what does that say about me being a mother? It pains me to give her the formula, but deep down I know it’s the right thing to do.

I would kill to be healthy again. I can’t even remember what my life was like before I got sick and would have these random attacks. It puts a damper on my happiness, and makes it really difficult for me to get a lot of things done as a new mother. I just think, if this never happened to me, I’d never had Russell give her the formula when I was stuck to an IV in a gurney. But…this is my life, and I have to deal with these things, and make the best decisions for me and my family.

I really need to make it a priority to take better care of myself. I must, I must!

*Not that anyone ever comments on my posts, but I disabled comments. I am really sensitive about this topic of nursing. Trust me, I know that I should keep breastfeeding. I know it’s the best possible thing for my baby. I wish I could have kept up exclusively breastfeeding. 

Doctor’s Appointments All Around…

28 Aug

Today has been rough for all of us over here. I woke up around 5am with excruciating pain which I thought was my pancreas. Many of you know about my gallbladder surgery that resulted in a hospitalization due to pancreatitis when I was 21 a few years back. It isn’t uncommon for me to get flare ups every now and then which result in an ER or Urgent Care visit. I was able to fall back asleep after a few of those attacks, and woke up to feed the baby around 9am again. This time I was having a constant pain. Unfortunately, Lux also had a doctor appointment today, and my sister was suppose to come visit afterwards. I told my mom that I had been experiencing these pains and that they had yet to subside so she offered to take me to Urgent Care while Russell took the baby to her doctor appointment.

Lux’s appointment went wonderfully. She is up to 9 lbs. now! She is in the 50th percentile in all her growth. The doctor was very pleased with her weight gain and growth. I am so proud of her and myself.. because as I talked about here, we were having some minor set backs in the feeding/weight gain department, and I have been struggling with the idea of continuing breast feeding. I’m glad I was able to stick with it, and sure enough, she is getting what she needs to thrive.

My doctor visit at Urgent Care wasn’t filled with good news like baby girl’s was. It turns out my pancreas is doing just fine, but my liver is not. After some blood work was taken they found that my liver enzymes were up to about a 500 count. Normal is 10-30. So you can understand their worry—and mine. They gave me an ultrasound to check out my abdominal region to make sure there were no stones or obstructions causing my liver to become inflamed. Everything looked okay there. So after almost 8 hours of being there… two IV bags, and two shots of demerol in the butt… they sent me home and told me to follow up with a doctor in the next few days. I’m still having bouts of pain, and I’ve decided if I get one more attack like I did this morning, I’m going to the ER. AKA: my second home.

Unfortunately, because I was away from the baby all day we have been forced to feed her formula all day. Also, because I am on some pretty strong pain meds I don’t want to pass that to her. I am a total mess about it. I missed her so much while I was there… and all I kept thinking about is how shitty this situation is. How am I suppose to take care of my baby if I’m sick like this? After all this hard work breastfeeding, it’s just going to fly out the window.

On top of all this, I’m still feeling pretty terrible. I am absolutely exhausted and in pain. But I’m still breathing, and my baby is sleeping in her swing, and I’m watching her as I write this. Trying to stay positive about it all… even though the subject isn’t so on the positive side.

I’m going to cap off this day by finishing off my chicken broth and The Newsroom.

We don’t do nights very well

17 Aug

I’ve never done nights very well. The night always brings on anxiety and stress for me. So why should it be any different for Lux?

Around 9pm she awakes from one of her many naps. I feed her and have her burped by 10 and the screaming begins.

We try literally, everything to calm her down. We change her, give her a binky, rock her, swaddle her, put her in a swing, try to feed her again… And she still won’t quit. I’ve even taken her for drives.

This evening I had all about I could take. I’ve been unbelievably tired the last few days. My mom offered for us to come over so she can take her for a few and I could relax. Lux was still screaming.

I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. But jeese, I can’t even begin to describe how hard this is. And I wanted twins…. Bahahahahahahahahaha.

However, when all is said and done and I look at her sweet face I know it’s all worth it. The screaming and crying doesn’t seem so bad because I know I have a healthy and beautiul baby girl.

I have to remind myself to breathe and give myself a break every once in awhile. Also, to know and accept that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed at times. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing partner. He could very well not take such an active role in taking care of our daughter. And of course, I’m lucky to have my mom so close to us and her to be so willing to help out.

Bringing home a little girl

3 Aug

Well, my little girl is 10 days old today. Sheesh.. it’s unreal. Indescribable.

Adjusting to this new life of mine has been, uh… interesting, to say the least.

I had a pretty big scare the last couple of days… she kept throwing up after a feeding. I was at my mom’s house after the last time she threw up, which was all over me. Thankfully, my mom was there because I started to cry right afterwards. I was so worried about her, exhausted, and just plain overwhelmed. My mom took her from me and cleaned her up, let me clean myself off, and told me to call the doctor. The advice nurse told me we should come in right away since she’d been throwing up like that after some feedings for the last day.

I don’t want to get into too much detail about it all because I’m still worried… as she hasn’t been gaining weight as she should… but since going to the doctor’s I’ve been monitoring how long I feed her and how often. She had her two week growth check up today and her usual pediatrician said to hold her vertical after feedings for a half hour. So, feeding my baby has turned into a full time job… let alone all the other full time mom jobs I gotta do.

I’m still worried. And I go back and forth whether I should switch to formula so she can gain some more weight… but I know that breast feeding is beneficial on so many levels. Plus, I really enjoy feeding her. It’s her and me time.

I’ve been having some weird feelings about meeting up with friends lately. I feel terrible because I know everyone wants to see her, but I don’t feel like sharing at the moment. Part of me worries that I feel like my friendships are changed, indefinitely. Interestingly, I was listening to NPR earlier today and they had someone on who I guess was an advice columnist about relationships. She was describing life with and without children, and she said it perfectly:

There’s your life before children, and then there’s your life after.

I just heard that and kinda felt… I don’t know. No matter how I look at it, my life is forever changed. Does that mean my friendships are too?

Just a side note: If we’re friends, and you have been trying to come by to visit. Don’t take it personally that I tell you no. I really am just trying to adjust to this life of mine. And I am being a bit selfish, I don’t want to share her with everyone just yet. I hope you can all understand that… I’m still learning.

Enough of that… let’s end this post with a really cute baby girl.

Lux and I at the hospital.

Out.

She loves her daddy.

Muahaha.

On Becoming a Mother

14 Jul

As my first post stated, I never dreamt about becoming a mother. It was just something that wasn’t in my plans. I wanted to finish school, go on to grad school, travel… do something with myself. I felt those things became unattainable once I found out I was pregnant. After having a conversation with a graduate student at a cafe a few months back, he told me that it was better for me to wait to do graduate school anyways. That, yes, he missed out on some things with his own family and daughter, but that it didn’t enable him to accomplish his own dreams and desires.

I have to admit I’m still a tiny bit scared and worried that I’ll be able to be a good mother. I’m not the most maternal person. I’ve had loads of practice with nephews, nieces, babysitting, and being a nanny. But I always got to return those kids to their parents. How do I know I’ll be good at the job 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year? I know that with my partner, Russell, and my family and friends it is attainable. I can be a good mother because I have the support system I have.

I’m sad to say that I have been feeling very miserable and depressed the last few weeks. I know I can chalk these feelings up to hormones, mostly. I’m not sure why I’m crying every day, but I just feel so sad. I think the unknown is what’s really bothering me. I’m also anxious to meet my baby girl. I’m also feeling guilty about some things, as well. Having some not so happy thoughts makes me feel guilty. Everyone asks me if I’m excited. Everyone tells me, “this should be the most exciting time of your life,” and yes, it’s an exciting journey. But I deal with things differently. And I have a lot of anxiety already… so adding something as crazy life changing as a baby is almost killer on my mental state.

I hope that I’m not alone in feeling this way. To an extent, I know I am. My friends and my boyfriend don’t get or quite understand why I feel the way I do. How could they? I’m not even sure my mother fully understands. She says she does, but she just doesn’t seem to think I should be feeling this bad.

I’m a first time mom…. give me an effing break.

With all this being said, I am so looking forward to the day I can hold my baby in my arms. I’ve been preparing myself for when we look into each other’s eyes for the first time and I know that’ll be it.  I’m sure everything will fall into place, and I’ll feel a lot better once I’m not pregnant anymore.