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On Becoming a Mother

14 Jul

As my first post stated, I never dreamt about becoming a mother. It was just something that wasn’t in my plans. I wanted to finish school, go on to grad school, travel… do something with myself. I felt those things became unattainable once I found out I was pregnant. After having a conversation with a graduate student at a cafe a few months back, he told me that it was better for me to wait to do graduate school anyways. That, yes, he missed out on some things with his own family and daughter, but that it didn’t enable him to accomplish his own dreams and desires.

I have to admit I’m still a tiny bit scared and worried that I’ll be able to be a good mother. I’m not the most maternal person. I’ve had loads of practice with nephews, nieces, babysitting, and being a nanny. But I always got to return those kids to their parents. How do I know I’ll be good at the job 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year? I know that with my partner, Russell, and my family and friends it is attainable. I can be a good mother because I have the support system I have.

I’m sad to say that I have been feeling very miserable and depressed the last few weeks. I know I can chalk these feelings up to hormones, mostly. I’m not sure why I’m crying every day, but I just feel so sad. I think the unknown is what’s really bothering me. I’m also anxious to meet my baby girl. I’m also feeling guilty about some things, as well. Having some not so happy thoughts makes me feel guilty. Everyone asks me if I’m excited. Everyone tells me, “this should be the most exciting time of your life,” and yes, it’s an exciting journey. But I deal with things differently. And I have a lot of anxiety already… so adding something as crazy life changing as a baby is almost killer on my mental state.

I hope that I’m not alone in feeling this way. To an extent, I know I am. My friends and my boyfriend don’t get or quite understand why I feel the way I do. How could they? I’m not even sure my mother fully understands. She says she does, but she just doesn’t seem to think I should be feeling this bad.

I’m a first time mom…. give me an effing break.

With all this being said, I am so looking forward to the day I can hold my baby in my arms. I’ve been preparing myself for when we look into each other’s eyes for the first time and I know that’ll be it.  I’m sure everything will fall into place, and I’ll feel a lot better once I’m not pregnant anymore.

Busy Bee

19 Jun

I have had such a busy week, it seems. I had my graduation party with all my family and some close friends. My brother flew out from Vegas and we all spent Father’s Day BBQing and eating the rest of my graduation cake.

My sister, Trisha, and I at my graduation party.. boy am I a little puffy! 

I’ve been feeling pretty miserable these last few days. You would think the much needed sleep you want and need before your baby arrived would come so naturally. Wrong. My back and legs are killing me! Luckily, I was able to sleep pretty much throughout the night last night (thank you Tylenol PM).

I have much to do to get ready for this baby. I am due in 5 weeks! I want a clean home, our cars to be clean, and of course all the laundry arrangements need to be completed before this little girl comes. Hopefully, I can stop being so lazy and get some things done.

I would kill for a Redbull. But that’s not going to happen. I pray that I’ll be given some sort of sudden urge of extra energy here soon.

Me, Myself, and my baby bump

15 Jun

I’m sure whoever decides to make it to my blog would want to know why I titled it, “My So-Called Mommy Life”… well I guess maybe an introduction of who I am and what I’m all about would suffice:

My name is Emily, I’m 25 years old, and I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first child–a baby girl. I have always been some what of a free spirit, a party-girl, have you. So anyone can imagine that finding out I was pregnant, seemed like the end of my world. [I understand how horrible that sounds, but if you really knew me… you’d understand why I felt that way.]

After much deliberation, my boyfriend, Russell, and I decided to start our family together. It’s been a rough pregnancy for me, and I’ve been in school finishing up my Bachelors degree in Sociology. In fact, I just finished yesterday. So I guess you could say, I’m a college graduate now.

I never imagined becoming a mother at the age of 25, let alone, at any point in my life, really. So this has been quite the adjustment for me. Luckily, all my girlfriends are thrilled for me–as I am the first one to have a baby– and I have a loving and supportive family. My brother and sister’s all have children, and my parents live near by.

I am unbelievably scared and nervous about the birth of my baby.. not the actual birth part– but becoming someone else’s mommy. It will be interesting to see how this journey plays out.. and I am so excited to meet this little girl that’s been kicking me in my ribs for the last 8 1/2 months.

Hopefully, I’ll get some more mom’s or mom-to-be’s to follow on here…

Here’s some photo’s of me and my man… just so you can get a sense of who I am:

Russell and I

 My sister, brother, and I at my brother’s law school graduation at UNLV (So proud of my big brother!)

 My nephew, Benjamin, and I: