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1 Sep

I went to the doctors again on Thursday to check-in following my little episode on monday. Nothing much to really report on… just more blood tests to be taken next week, and a GI referral. Same as usual…

I have been really struggling with feedings lately. Because I’m still on pain medication, and not feeling very well in general, I don’t feel right about breastfeeding. So we’ve been on formula, and the occasional BF sesh in the mornings before I take anything, or late in the evening. But when I do nurse her, she doesn’t latch as well anymore… she’s become lazy. And because of all this my supply has diminished. I am trying to pump and dump, too… but it doesn’t look promising.

I am really having a hard time, emotionally, dealing with the fact that I may not be able to nurse for much longer. I had finally reached a point where it was established, and my baby was thriving. Seesh, even Snooki is nursing her baby… what does that say about me being a mother? It pains me to give her the formula, but deep down I know it’s the right thing to do.

I would kill to be healthy again. I can’t even remember what my life was like before I got sick and would have these random attacks. It puts a damper on my happiness, and makes it really difficult for me to get a lot of things done as a new mother. I just think, if this never happened to me, I’d never had Russell give her the formula when I was stuck to an IV in a gurney. But…this is my life, and I have to deal with these things, and make the best decisions for me and my family.

I really need to make it a priority to take better care of myself. I must, I must!

*Not that anyone ever comments on my posts, but I disabled comments. I am really sensitive about this topic of nursing. Trust me, I know that I should keep breastfeeding. I know it’s the best possible thing for my baby. I wish I could have kept up exclusively breastfeeding.